Moving is my nature.I feel like a constant nomad. Never managing to settle, always curious about what’s there, that place I still don’t know. It’s a strange restlessness, it’s sometimes an uncomfortable feeling.
One of my wishes is for this feeling to finally go away. I’d like to really let it go and become a settled, quiet and extrovert person.
But I can’t, because that is not me. I’m exploring myself inside out using all my experience in yoga and meditation and what I’ve found is that I can learn to drive through life in a different way but I cannot change the machine. When I meditate I can let everything go. At some point I can get my focus back quite easily. However, my drive is my exception too. I cannot let my curiosity go away,I cannot detach from that urge to understand the meaning of our lives, the search to find that moment when everything makes sense. I feel driven to investigate my body, my mind and my boundaries in an obsessive way. Always hoping I will get an answer to my not very clear questions.
Today I’m questioning the purpose of this search, I wonder why sometimes I feel like I’m in a completely different reality. I talk to people and everything seems far. Only a few seem to reach the depth of this unwillingly chosen isolation. I’m not sure there is a goal, an end line, a way things are supposed to be.
Yesterday I heard a buddhist say that reality is liquid, we are all in constant change, like the universe. And so are my thoughts. Sometimes I feel trapped, like the sky is too low and the air is too heavy. Then I wonder what happens and I wonder if the universe is contracting at that exact moment.Am I really able to feel it? Are all those amazing connecting experiences I’ve had through my spiritual life true or just a result of breathing techniques? What is really the purpose of this life and what is the purpose of so many of us being on this search?
Sometimes I think someone up and down this flexible reality is having a great time playing around with our universe. Where is the end? Is there actually a need to know?
Climb, work, go out and enjoy nature. It’s easier. But I can’t help getting deep in my questions. In what I feel and in the way I react to what is around me. It’s part of this machine I’m driving on a daily basis. I feel and I feel a lot. I feel the storms coming, I feel the changes in pressure, I feel the good weather coming, I feel people, even if they are far away. It’s a different language that I just cannot control. So many ways to communicate. And I feel I’ve never been closer and further from understanding it.