As usual I haven´t written in a while. It´s been so long I can hardly type with a querty keyboard. It´s been so long I need to do it in my second language. So long I even feel scared of all this that is coming out, that is leaving me flat, broken and empty. All the anger and all the pain that is landing on the person I love.
It´s been so long that this won´t be a post about the beautiful sky or the autumn leaves underneath my feet. It is not a seasonal cleanse, it is a life time change, a step towards finally accepting the truth and its consequences.
Lately I´m not feeling well. Not well at all. But I kind of have to keep my mouth shut. I have a boyfriend that sometimes I think I don´t deserve and a nice job with really nice colleagues. I can bike to work, and the forest and my yoga studio are within walking distance from my house. Life is just perfect. But that is for facebook. Yes, that place where you post a photo of you enjoying and afternoon in the park while hiding the tears in your eyes, that place where you register your visit to an amazing concert that you could not enjoy because you were struggling to just be.
I could say I´m depressed, but I guess that´s not the truth. I could say I´m stressed though the real truth is that I´m stressing myself out. I could say I just feel tired, though the truth is I´m just exhausted. I could say I´m upset but the truth is that I´m very angry.
So my days go by trying to fix all this, and the harder I try, the worse it gets. Until now. Yoga is not helping me to heal, is helping me to finally crash, hit the ground, open my eyes and accept that the truth this time is not a beautiful om at the end of the class. It´s being an extreme confrontation that is pushing me towards letting go while I´m still trying to keep control of what I know, or what I would like to know. This is exhausting. I´m trying to drive a BMW with the hand break on.
Perhaps this is all because I always believed my life had to be perfect one day. I was left alone to dream when I was a child and in my dreams my mum was not my mum but my friend´s mum. Yes, that one who would have candy and chocolate, that one who would make nutella sandwiches after school, that one who was slow and so huggable with that nice piece of meat around her waist. Instead, I had a tomato as a snack because at the age of 10 I could already use my super skinny mum´s pants. So much drama.
And this is the story of my life that is falling apart now because you can only fight yourself that much. You can only try to be what you are not that long. And one day you realise your body, your brain and your soul are simply exhausted.
I wanted to blame all this on that baby I never got to touch, I wanted to blame it on this language I hear everyday and that is just not mine. I wanted to blame it on the grey sky. But then, why am I the only one?
Traumas are traumas but it’s your life experience that helps you or prevents you from healing. For a whole year I’ve battled the extremely confrontation of a great loss, the guilt and the changes in me. I could not accept it.
I’m becoming the mum I always wanted for myself. A woman with a nice fluffy piece of meat around my waist. Slow though not yet with nutella in the cupboard. Yet I suffer with being confronted with the fact that there are no little hands to dance around me and that I´ve worked hard on abusing myself to not let this happen.
It is drama and it´s only up to me to be able to move forward and let all this go. Accept the consequences, accept what I´ve become and just move on. People say that love starts by self acceptance but sometimes it seems that as soon as you accept yourself you will become a model or you will become a milionaire.
I`m starting to understand that life is not always that fair and somebody told me not long ago that it was unfair from the very beginning. It`s just the way it is and there are so many terrible realities out there that, honestly, sometimes I think trying not to be unhappy and being just ok is enough.
It´s been a few explosive paragraphs but I just came back from a horrible yoga class. I truly hated it. I`ve been working on my psoas or, as they call it, the emotional rubbish bin. I didn´t like the teacher, I didn´t like the exercises, I was in an introvert mode and still, I had to model. And I hated it. So much. So I thought I had wasted 30 euros, a wonderful sunny day and my peace of mind. Then, as I was walking up the stairs to my appartment I found myself feeling so anxious, so angry, so hateful…and so, so, so tired, that I just opened the door and cried on the floor from this exhaustion, tired of my brain and my fight.
Enough is enough. And I really want to shout it out lod. It is enough.
If this was a yoga magazine I should continue but saying I just had the biggest revelation of my life but it is not true. I knew all this all the way long. I could say that from now on I will live a life of true love, that I won’t check my hips every 5 minutes or anytime that I go pass a shop window. But it won´t be like that because so many years of habits won´t be gone by writing a post. However, instead of fighting maybe I´m starting to accept that this is a lost battle. I can fight the world but I simply cannot fight myself.
Adn that’s it. No beautiful ending but a lot of self reflection. This will definetely help me and I hope it helps some of the more than 3000 people who follow me on facebook. After all I think we humans deal with very similar shit most of the time.
Only a reminder. Today is baby loss awareness day. Such a big taboo that I didn’t even know myself. Cry it out and light a candle. It was meant to be a beautiful life intention. It’s worth the memory.